There are times when it takes everything in me to keep myself from thinking something slam to death. Of course, we all need to think- rather, we all need to consider, contemplate, and possibly reevaluate. But I’m a woman. When I think, my mind races down one rabbit trail after another, until I am utterly and hopelessly lost. And then I shut down, because pretending I’m on the right path is easier than asking for directions.
I run through my life, in my mind, over and over again. It’s frustrating to retrace and reroute, only to find myself at the end of the same path, wondering what I coulda shoulda woulda said. What could I do differently, for this or that person, for one or another situation? As hard as I DID try, how did I lose? Was I not careful or considerate? Was I self centered? Apathetic? Did I not communicate clearly?
Most likely, I communicated too well, tried too hard, was too caring and empathetic. I’ve recently developed a self-awareness and with awareness comes sorrow. I have no remorse for what I didn’t do, or couldn’t say, but regret for believing in fairy tales a bit too long. I’m afraid I’ve been gullible, because I am a childish believer in closure, but also in amicability.
I can see where I have been wrong. I suppose it’s time to learn how to let go. I’m not quite as callous as I seem. And now, after all this time, I need to learn to fall- softly.
I do cling tightly to every memory, souvenir, and sentiment. Letting go feels like giving up. I don’t give up; I am not a quitter. But I’m not a glutton for punishment, either.
I’ve taught others how treat me. We all do. Perhaps my reticence is rooted in denial. People change, just not necessarily for the better. Decades later, I remain perplexed. It hurts to discover I’ve been a pawn, and I feel foolish to have accepted a blatantly false persona.
It’s time to stop chasing rabbits.
I must choose to fall, or choose to be pushed. I choose to fall, softly, hopefully maintain a bit of my dignity, and finally accept there are some things that just can’t be fixed.
~ My Dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you want to go anywhere, you must run twice as fast as that. ~
Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Be blessed, Y’all.