Why, God??

I’ve shared before stories of wisdom and wit imparted by my child. He is at that awkward stage in life, caught between the innocence of boyhood and the challenges of developing independence. It’s a goofy phase, his fledgling independence. School provides structure and routine, and also furthers his interests in all manner of subjects. Simply out of necessity, he has matured, emotionally, much faster than I would’ve liked. My son takes pride in, and does enjoy being genuinely helpful, supportive, and kindhearted.

Randomness is a definite trait of mine. I admit I’ve become even more random in my thought processes since health issues have essentially robbed me of my short term memory. Consequently, my son helps keep me on track. I make lists, of course, but he reminds me of little things, the finesse in details, that I effectively manage to “fake”, with his prompting. For my part, I have open and frank discussions with him about daily life, and the challenges faced by Christians in our increasingly evil world. He enjoys these exchanges, and debates, usually able to find the supporting passages before me. I feel part of properly educating a young man for Christ includes providing him with the FULL armor of God. He needs a clear world awareness in order to fortify his personal defense against that same awareness.

The present situation in Israel is one of his current favored topics. He has developed an interest, specifically, in prophecy, and how Christians around the globe are facing and meeting these challenges daily. Israel, particularly, is a topic we’ve batted around all summer. We both enjoy it. I’m home with him tonight, but we are both exhausted, physically and emotionally. Instead of being diligent in our studies, I am watching Little League, and he is doing nothing. At all.

I take my sports pretty seriously, which, of course, is another bond I love to further. This week, though, God has other plans. I’ve been bothered by physical health issues, personal struggles, relationships that are no longer fruitful, unable to find support in the expected places. I pray, but I have been weak as water at my praying this week. I’ve been angry, hurt, and sad. As these feelings come up, and out, I’ve also been bitter and negligent in my leadership. So, when he looks up during a critical point in this ball game, and starts to speak, I cut him off. Sharply. He gave me that edgy little look he’s growing into, and said, “When you’re ready to pray, you let ME know.” Ouch.

“Why?”, I muttered. And…..it was all downhill from there. “Why do I need to pray? For me?? For these fools bringing the entire planet to it’s knees?? For my friend that thinks I don’t give enough?? For these kids that have NOBODY that loves them?? What am I praying FOR?? I want to know why. I want to know WHY God gives children to mothers that don’t even want them, but takes them from faithful, loving, and deserving women! Ask him why!? Then tell ME what I need to pray for! What is satan trying SO hard to prove? What does he want from me, from my friends??”

Honestly, my child sat here looking at me as if I have three heads, two of them spinning. I haven’t slept, and I’ve been upset over these things all day and night, annnnd, as previously noted, I am a woman. I’m crying. It’s not pretty, and I really was taking a breath to apologize to him, and offer up a placating prayer. Not my kid. He said, “Well, first you need to pray about THAT. And blow your nose; it’s snotty. And what satan wants is what he always wants. He wants you and your friends to give up on your faith because you think God has wronged you. If satan can break your friend’s heart over what only God can control, satan wins. You and your friends will be angry at God and satan will win!”

True. All true. But what he said next I was completely unprepared to hear. I hadn’t heard my words the same way he had. He heard: God gives children to women that don’t even want them, and of course, without thinking, my words cut deep into his very existence.
His response, “God gave me a mother that didn’t want me. Did you ask him why, then? What if you’re right, and God took all of those babies he gave to people that didn’t ‘want’ them, and took them away. Maybe to Heaven. You wouldn’t have a son. And probably this baseball game wouldn’t be on. And you wouldn’t have a job to complain about, because ALL those babies that moms don’t deserve wouldn’t ever be born. My school wouldn’t exist. Some of my friends wouldn’t exist. But you wouldn’t know. Because I wouldn’t exist!! NOW YOU PRAY ABOUT THAT!!! And then YOU ask God WHY!!!”

I can not tell you the last time I’ve seen my son cry. I can tell you I never want to see it again. He makes a very good point. A very humbling point. I’m grateful God DID bless me with him, and I can see how selfish I am being. I know underneath my anger and disappointment my son is absolutely correct. He offers this passage as his prayer tonight. ( And while I paraphrase some, this is truthfully as close to word for word as I could get. My son actually IS this wise. I am going to post this, mostly because humility is Godly, and I need a healthy dose of Godly.) My son brings such light to me. Born to a mother that didn’t want him. And given to me, entrusted to me, by God Himself. This woman really doesn’t deserve any such blessing, but he is literally living, breathing, crusading proof that God does everything for the good of those that love Him. He makes no mistake. Not one. Here’s his verse; I have some making up to do. Be blessed, Y’all.

Before I formed you in the womb,
I knew you; before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you a prophet for all the nations.

I do not know how to speak. I am only a child.
But the Lord said to me,
Do not say, I am only a child.
You must go to everyone I send you to,
and say whatever I command you.
Do not be afraid of them,
for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the Lord.
Then the Lord reached out His hand
and touched my mouth, and said to me,
Now, I have put My words in your mouth.
See, today I appoint you over nations
and kingdoms to uproot and tear down,
to destroy and overthrow,
to build and to plant.
Jeremiah 1:5-10 

 

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